Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
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I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
yeah 😭
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
what it’s like dating me:
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.