remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
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why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Warm pools make me nervous.