remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
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[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.