My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
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Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
A French press is when you hug naked
Eat…
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster