($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
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*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Guys, I found it.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha