I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
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“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat