One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
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if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
You sure about that?
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
🙄😏😂🤣
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.