@extranapkins: Remember "pantsing" people in high school... sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
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@lilgapeach32: You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some midol.
@AndyAsAdjective: 8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs? ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
@Adar79Angie: I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I'd be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.