Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
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I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
can I use a minion as a tampon
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Truth
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else