@TheAlexNevil: Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
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@BobTheSuit: Realtor: Why r u moving? Me: I've been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won't let me open my silverware drawer.
@flashember: [Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
@AimeeHelene1: *walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me* *everyone claps & cheers* *hands check over to teller* Check is for $1.00
@ItMightBeJimbo: Two seats open. One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in. The other by a wall outlet. She'll find love in another man.