“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
You Might Also Like
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.