Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
You Might Also Like
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
couldn’t resist
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison