Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
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Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.