Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
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I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime