“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
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If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care