New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
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18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.