@Jack_Wagon1: Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
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@TheTweetOfGod: All human beings are threads interwoven in the great tapestry of life, except for that one guy at your office. What the hell is his problem?
@carlyken: So far my toddler's most impressive defense mechanism is pooping his pants every time anyone rings our doorbell.
@gayIorswift13: At one of her meet and greets, Taylor Swift met a young boy who complimented her writing. He went on to say that he also wanted to be a writer, but his friends bullied him for it. Taylor made him promise to ignore them and follow his dreams. That boy’s name? William Shakespeare.
@WheelTod: [Lounging in hot tub] Paul the Plum: "I'm starting to shrivel up like a..." Pete the Prune: "Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!"