My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
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Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
The Wolf of Wall Street.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
tis the season
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky