Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
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I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
If you know, you know 😂🚔
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Van Gone
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.