Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
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Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Milk Cube
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.