Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
You Might Also Like
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.