remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
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😂😂😂😂😂😂
The French cow says MEUX…
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
it’s the silliest best thing
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.