@jordan_stratton: Remember--the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
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@Underchilde: I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.
@dysondoc: Trump: "I'm going to make sure we let in less immigrants." Pence: "Fewer!" Trump: "Shhh, don't call me that yet."
@Michael1979: Pros of hiring me as a vet: - Hard-working - Experienced - Reasonable prices Cons: - Have been dubbed "The Horse Murderer" by the press
@XplodingUnicorn: [Who Wants to be a Millionaire] Me: I'm stumped. Can I phone a friend? Host: What's your friend's name? Me: Wikipedia.