@jordan_stratton: Remember--the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
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@TomSchally: It's that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
@DanMentos: Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
@markleggett: I casually mentioned to my cat that I've petted many animals in my time, and she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said "How many?"
@murrman5: wife: it looks too tight me: it's fine, let's just go [ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]