Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
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Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!