Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
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Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.