Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
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I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.