“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
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My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.