“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
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one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Good morning, Twitter 😊
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me