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Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
going to the ER y’all need anything
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.