Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
You Might Also Like
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not