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beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.