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Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.