[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
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*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.