Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
You Might Also Like
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…