Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
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Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
c’mon!
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
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