Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
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If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend