Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
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The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota