If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
You Might Also Like
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Uh oh…
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.