Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
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I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?