Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
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If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.