@FatherWithTwins: Remember: whatever fun game you invent for your kids, you're going to have to play it 10,000 times
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@Parentpains: Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can't help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
@Arrogant_Twat: My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
@GoodZiIIa: [Arrested for prank calling police] Cop: You get one phone call Me: ok *cop's phone rings* Me: is your refrigerator running
@gruffybeard: I’m pretty sure Tom and Jerry were married. Sure, there were some instances of them getting along, but mostly they never talked and spent their days trying to kill each other in the most painful way possible.