@FatherWithTwins: Remember: whatever fun game you invent for your kids, you're going to have to play it 10,000 times
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@Sandrahadenough: I spent 20 minutes at the gym trying to untangle my headphones...I'm done..my arms are killing me!
@WilliamAder: If you get a gift from me, there may or may not be a pair of scissors between the wrapping and the gift. I'm gonna need those back.
@foodfacenow: Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe* Her: OMG, can this date get any better Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
@AlexRogaski: Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He's too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.