I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
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Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
my name if I was in the mob
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh