@jlock17: Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
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@PaperWash: [driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on] moth driving: omg moth wife: Harold no we have a baby moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
@ayyyyloser: "There's plenty of fish in the sea" is just something people say because you're going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
@WheelTod: My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn't expecting I'd be dissecting so many white mice.
@Underchilde: Wore a hospital gown to work today and faked a cough for 5 minutes, and they said I could have the break room all to myself.