Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
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Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I am yelling
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”