Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
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It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I just tested negative for patience.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I hope they boil the right one.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Worth the read.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
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