”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
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[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
This a good idea
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
waiting for halloween be like:
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.