Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
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him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
the prophecies have been fulfilled
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
All food is good if you spell it wrong
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “