Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
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date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.