Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
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Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.