Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
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“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
won’t smith
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.