Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
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me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
And they lived apathetically ever after.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”