Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
You Might Also Like
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”