Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
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My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
much to think about
Traveler’s camo
Passwords are more important than ever.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.