Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
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No, I don’t think I will.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
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