Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
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Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.