remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
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*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.